It is just another winter day

It has been a while… I can’t believe my last post was in April! A lot of things happened in the meantime, but I am not ready to do a review of my year just yet.

I guess the reason why I’m writing again is because I feel lonely. It’s that time of the year again: Christmas! You know what? I was never a Christmas person! Never really cared about the jolly season or even believed in Santa. In fact, I have no memory of when I realized the whole Santa Claus bullshit.

I only enjoyed Christmas when I was a child. My whole family used to travel to the South of Brazil and we would all stay over at my grandparent’s house. It was a lot of people! We used to have a huge Christmas dinner table and all grandchildren would help grandma with something. I usually prepared the fruit basket!

In Brazil we celebrate Christmas on the 24th and at midnight we exchange presents. My grandad was the one in charge of getting the presents from below the Christmas tree and give them to all of us. These memories will stay with me forever! The living room was loud, crowded, hot (December is summer time in Brazil) but it was just perfect! Having the whole family together was all that matters. My parents, sisters and I used to live more than 2 thousand kilometers away from my grandparents and grandaunts. My aunt and cousins were even farther… They were in the United States. So Christmas was the time for the family to get reunited after a whole year without seeing each other.

Christmas suddenly stopped making sense in 1999 when my grandad passed away. His death in middle November took us all by surprise and the Christmas of 99 was nothing but sad! After that everything changed. My grandma moved to another city, my sisters and I were in college – in States far away from my parents – and Christmas meant time to go home and be with my mom and dad. We didn’t get the whole family together anymore and Christmas just became a normal summer day to me. I couldn’t care less to be honest.

But since 2007, when I moved to Ireland, Christmas started to have a different meaning again. Christmas actually started to pressure me! Even though I am not a Christmas person, this time of the year reminds me that I should be with my family. It reminds me that I am alone here! Yes, in the past 7 years I made wonderful friends, had few Irish boyfriends (and I still have) and never spent a Christmas day by myself. But despite all that, I still feel alone… I feel out of place!

For the past years I have spent Christmas with someone else’s family and had the pleasure to know and experience what an Irish Christmas is all about! I have been welcome and loved during this date by people who took me as part of their own family. This is really nice!

But even though everybody has a great heart I know that I was still not supposed to be there. I was supposed to be with my own family! I always felt sorry for my Irish boyfriends during this time because they do get the pressure that they need to bring me alone. Not because they don’t want to but because they know my family is not here. It feels like they had no option but the truth is that who has the option and made the choice to stay here during Christmas was me!

I think I will only stop feeling alone during this time of the year when I have my own family! Sometimes I think about cooking a Christmas dinner for the very first time in my own house for my husband and kid(s?)… while the dog is patiently waiting for us beside the dinner table. All of us being together by the fire and just appreciating each others company! Yeah… that looks like a nice picture and something I want for my life.
Maybe one day this wish will come true or maybe not. That’s ok too. But until then I have to accept that life is about choices and I need to stand by the ones I make. I need to stop feeling sad and realize again that after all, Christmas is now just another winter day!


Toilet paper freak

Yes, we all have habits. Some of our habits can be annoying to other people but for us, they are not just habits, they are just common sense! As everybody else, I have many habits and also get annoyed by many things, but I do have to confess that most of my habits involve the bathroom.

To name a few? The toothpaste has to be pulled by the top and not by the bottom or even worse, by the middle! The toilet mat has to be stretched – something that most men do not get. Do not get out of the shower while you are still soaked, wetting all the floor and the toilet mat (that is perfectly stretched)! I have to say that the last one annoys me a lot and I still manage to give out to my boyfriend (that masters the wetting the floor habit) even when we are staying in hotels! I know…

But if you think that this is too much, well, let me tell you that my biggest bathroom habit is actually the orientation of the toilet paper. There are two possible ways: the toilet paper coming from the top or from the bottom. Actually, let me rephrase it, there is only one right way and this is the toilet paper coming from the top!

Toilet paper orientation

Whenever I go to a bathroom and the toilet paper comes from the bottom I have a mini heart attack and I change it to the right way! Yes, if you are the kind of person that puts your toilet paper in the wrong position and you invite me over, I will change the orientation of the toilet paper of your own bathroom!

I really don’t know why I am like this but this is just something I can’t cope with! Well, maybe I do know the answer for this habit and I do have to blame (thank) my mom! One day, my mom, my two sisters and I were talking about this topic and to our surprise, my sisters and I have this habit. With no hesitation my mom says: “Of course you all have this habit. You have it because I have it too. You all grew up in a house where the toilet paper could not be in the wrong direction!”. Makes sense now.

You might think that this is topic is insignificant or that I just have OCD but try to search for “toilet paper up or down” in the Internet and be my guest! You may want to use Yahoo! for your search though! (You are welcome G).

You may be surprised with the articles you will find. I even found a Wikipedia page named: Toilet paper orientation. According to Wikipedia, “in surveys of American consumers and of bath and kitchen specialists, 60–70% of respondents prefer the toilet paper over”. You see? I’m not crazy! Or maybe 60 to 70% of people in America are as crazy as me. Good to know that I’m not alone in this, anyway.

But let’s all just reflect about it. The toilet paper coming from the top is not just easier to fold it but it’s also more hygienic. Why? Because by doing this the toilet paper won’t fall and touch the floor, which most likely will happen if you put the toilet paper in the wrong way!

Think about hotels for a second. They all, with no exception, have the toilet paper coming from the top. They even fold the top of it in a shape of an arrow…. Before you ask, no, I don’t go this far. But what I mean with this? That this is not just a habit, toilet papers were meant to come from the top and not from the bottom! I believe the only people who care about this enough have the toilet paper in the right direction, while the people that haven’t even thought about it have it in the wrong way. So if some of you are thinking “I’ve never paid attention to this”, I bet that you have your toilet paper coming from the bottom!

Some people don’t like to use shoes in the house, some people like to clean the kitchen as they cook, some people throw the cutlery in the same drawer without separating them. Me? I like to have toilet papers coming from the top! So, if you ever invite me to your house and offer me a drink, please, make sure that the toilet paper is in the right direction otherwise, our friendship might be in jeopardy.

Thanks to All

I always liked to write. I remember receiving a little diary for Christmas once, that ones with a lock on the side, and I was so happy! But diary or no diary, I always had a notepad, a notebook or a piece of paper and a pen with me so I could write down the things inside of my head.

Those who know me, know that I’m a very opinionated person that always has something to say. I have been like this since very young! Many times I was brought to the principal’s office because I either questioned the teacher’s decision, because I didn’t do what I was told to do or simply because I had a different point of view of my teacher.

My mom told me that when I was 5 years old, the teacher (which was also a nun) asked the class to draw curved lines, “like the waves on the Ocean” she said. Hearing that, the little creative me also drew a boat on top of the so-called “waves of the Ocean”. As you can expect from a Catholic tuition, the nun was not happy about it and asked me to erase the boat as she did not ask for us to draw that. Well, maybe most of kids would just erase the boat, but not me. I looked at the nun and asked her why I should erase the boat because in my Ocean, there are boats. I would love to remember this scene so I could see the nun’s face. Can you imagine? A 5 year old kid confronting the authority of a nun? As you can guess, my mom was called to the principal’s office and was told that I did not behave myself in class that day, as I did not do what the teacher told me to do.

After knowing the facts, my mom had to laugh. It would have been bad to tell this story to any mom, but even worse when this mom is a psychologist! Of course my mom’s answer was that she was proud of me. She raised her daughters to be inquisitive and to stand up for what they believe. I love my mom and I really like to hear this story too. Whenever I doubt myself, I like to think about this story so I remember who I am, who I have always been.

When I was 6 or 7, my school gathered the best essays from students from the whole school and put it together in a book. The book was printed and sold during an author’s signature night event. Yes, my essay was picked to be part of the book and I was the happiest kid in the world! I signed every book with pride and in that moment, I knew that I’d be a writer!

Well, you all know that my life went  a different direction, but I will never stop writing (again)! The inquisitive me will always have a pen and paper in hand (or in this case, a laptop) so I can quickly write down the silly thoughts that come to my head. Should I share them with strangers? Maybe not, but you never know who cares about what I write. Maybe there are some people out there who enjoy my posts? I know for fact that my boyfriend and mom do at the very least!

My mom has always been my biggest fan (as you can expect). She always said “You write so well. You have talent. I’m still waiting for your book to be published”. How can we live without the support of a mom? They make you believe you are capable of doing anything! Even when everyone else knows you are not.

I write this Blog for myself, to keep true to who I am. We all have a stage in our lives that we get lost and it’s so easy to forget who you are. I also had this phase and it was not nice. After a long time being lost, I found myself again and that’s why I am blogging: to remind myself that I love to write!

My boyfriend (which I will refer to as G) has been incredibly supportive! He is the one always reminding me that I haven’t written a post in X amount of days, that I’m good at this… I like to think he’s my editor. Thank you G. It was also him that told me, without any hesitation, to send my last post (I’m Irish 365 days a year) to an Irish media channel to have it published. Even though few of you have told me that you enjoy my blog, I still have to admit that I don’t really think my posts are that good.

At first I thought G was crazy – or just too much in love with me- and didn’t think any website/newspaper would be interested in publishing my article. I decided to trust him and I sent it to I was very surprised (honestly!) when the editor of the Opinion section came back to me saying she thought my article was “really heartfelt and interesting” and their readers would really like it. The next day, which was yesterday, the article was published on’s website with my name and picture on it! Can you believe? Me, a girl whose first language is not English had an article published in English! I can’t describe how satisfactory this means and feels!

The article received great reaction and for this, I couldn’t be happier. As I’m writing this post, the article received 18,118 views and 147 comments on’s website. It has also been shared 182 times on Facebook, 42 on Twitter and 56 by email. My blog has also received a lot of traffic.

Between yesterday and now, this simple blog received 450 views from all over the world: Australia, Brazil, Canada, France, Germany, Ireland, Mexico, Portugal, Sweden, Switzerland, United Arab Emirates, United States and the UK. No, I’ve never imagined that the reaction would be so great. Yes, the article received many irrelevant comments but I only read the good ones, which was the majority anyway.

If you are a regular or a new reader, I’d like to say thank you! Thank you for sparing few minutes of your day to read the silly things I have to write. Thank you for your support and thank you for making me believe that, maybe, my mom was right!

I’m Irish 365 days a year

I’ve been calling Ireland home for the past 6 years and 11 months. I still remember when I decided to come to Dublin at the age of 23. I was a young girl with crushed dreams but filled with hope! I said this many time through my blog posts, and I’ll say it again: I always wanted to live abroad. I’ve never had a specific country in mind but I knew I wanted to leave Brazil.

People always ask me why I’ve chosen Ireland and the truth is, I do not have an answer to that. I didn’t know anything about Ireland. The only thing I knew was that it’s an English speaking country and the home of U2. It was pretty much an instant decision as Ireland ticked all my boxes: English speaking country, it’s in Europe and doesn’t have strict visa requirements for immigrants.

Funny enough, I only did research about the country after I decided that Ireland would be my destination. I remember reading about the weather, the average temperatures, the apartment rent prices, the public transport system and the landscape. I was so happy about my decision that I never gave attention to the weather aspect. Even though everybody complaints about this, I have to say that the Irish weather still doesn’t bother me that much! It is how it is people, so we all have to deal with it and move on!

I arrived in Ireland in April (the 26th to be more specific) and I remember it was a beautiful day! The sun was shining, the sky was blue and temperatures were around 14 degrees, which at that time was way too cold for me! The weather kept like that for a few consecutive days so maybe that’s why I wasn’t caught up on the “Irish weather is horrible” thing. I was too busy enjoying the nice things Dublin had to offer while the sun was shining.

Why am I writing about Ireland? Well, Saint Patrick’s day is around the corner and I just feel like writing about my Irishness. They say that “Everybody is Irish on March 17th” but I feel Irish every day. Ireland really accepted me and I fell in love with this country pretty much immediately after my arrival. Things just worked out for me and yes, I believe that was written in the stars that I was supposed to come here. It was faith. It was destiny!

Ireland gave me everything I have and for this, I will be forever thankful for. Ireland gave me freedom, independence, a career, hopes, love and happiness! My connection with Ireland is so strong that in a way, I feel the right to claim myself Irish. I feel the pride and the struggles of this country, everyday.

Yes, sometimes I feel that Ireland is stuck in the past century and I want to pack my things and leave but the truth is that I wouldn’t be able to do that. For sure there’s no such a thing as a perfect country. We are human beings so we’ll always find something to complain about.

I could point out  thousands of things that annoy me about Ireland but this is not important. What is important is to be looked in the eye and receive a “good morning” and a smile by a stranger. It’s to be offered a joke and a laugh without asking for it. It’s celebrating life with friends for no specific reason. It’s not stressing out for small things and moving on with a smile rather than with anger. It’s contemplating the beautiful green grass and the double rainbows in the sky. It’s being proud of your origin, your history and your country!

In Ireland I definitely learn the definition of the word patriotism. Not that I don’t love my country, because I do, very much, but I’m talking about the real meaning of the word. I’m not talking about being ignorant to think that your country is the best country in the world and all the others are below yours. I’m also not talking about “burning” the flag once the country’s football team plays bad. I’m talking about loving your nation, despite the bad and the crisis’, believing that good times will come, being proud of the input your people have in the world, knowing that there are so many great countries out there but Ireland will always be home.

I strongly believe that we are a reflection of the society we live. Ireland made me happier because people here are nothing but smiles and warmth. It’s easy to be a nicer person to others when you live around generous people. It’s simple to live light when people around you are not in a rush. It’s easy to be happy when people around you are happy too.

Saint Patrick’s day is a day to wear green and be proud to be Irish. This is one day of the year that everybody is allowed to be Irish and get the feeling of what being Irish means and feels. Lucky for me, I have the privilege to know and feel what this means everyday. I’ve been knowing and feeling this for the past 6 years and 11 months of my adult life and I still learn something new every day.

There is something about Ireland. What that is? Hard to tell. It’s not just about the green grass, the sheep, the rainbows, the people, the Guinness, the “craic”. Ireland is an experience, Ireland is a lifestyle. Well, maybe I didn’t know why I chose to come to Ireland in the first place but I definitely know why I’ve decided to stay and call Ireland home sweet home.

Kingdom of Cambodia

I just came back from an amazing 2 weeks in the Kingdom of Cambodia! I have to confess that before the trip, I barely remembered that this country existed, so clearly, Cambodia was not my choice. My boyfriend was the one that had the idea of us going to Cambodia. As soon as he said the name an interrogation mark appeared on top of my head. After some research, I was convinced that Cambodia would be the place!

We arrived in the capital Phnom Pehn on a Friday morning and the Hotel taxi driver was waiting for us. For the first time in my life, someone was actually holding a sign with my full name (Suryane Fiorini) at the airport arrival lobby – it was weird! Coming from Brazil, what used to be a 3rd world country, and growing up in a not so developed part of the country, I have to say that Cambodia was not so much of a surprise as I expected! I could actually see some similarities to the place I was raised – Caceres.

The moment we left the airport with our private driver I had a little heart attack! I thought that the driver would hit a motorbike photobut after 30 seconds I realized that there were no rules on the roads! It’s actually mental! Traffic lights or one way road do not mean anything, I repeat, a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g! The roads are full of motorbikes, tuk tuks, cars, bicycles and people wearing mouth masks.

All you hear is the beep of the horns… constantly! The beep actually means “get out of my way”. I wonder how many times a year they have to replace their cars and motorbikes horns. I believe 9 out of 10 people own a motorbike in Cambodia and the ones that don’t take a lift with the ones that have one. It’s actually very rare to see only one person on a motorbike. It’s usually 4 people per motorbike, counting kids squeezed in between adults… I was shocked!

After a 30 min scared ride, we arrived to our hotel and the Cambodian experience began! The next day we were off to Siem Reap to see the Buddhist temples. Siem Reap is, by far, a more civilized city and way wealthier than the capital. We rented a tuk tuk driver (which by the way, tuk tuk was my favorite thing in Cambodia!) and went to the temples! There are several temples at Angkor Archaeological Park but the most famous one is Angkor Wat. Breath taking! Even though it is full of people you can still feel the peacefulness of the temple! Monks are everywhere, which adds something even more special to this magical place! 2013-12-28 15.11.17

To be honest with you, we didn’t visit museums or any other sightseeing – I know, I know. The  purpose of the trip was actually to go to the beach! After all, there was a reason why we were escaping from the cold Irish winter. Sihanoukville, south of Cambodia, is one of the only beaches in the country that has infrastructure to support tourists. Well, Sihanoukville is not really really Cambodia, as the majority of business owners are foreigners so the town is very western orientated. Having said that, it’s good to point out that all staffs are Khmer, which is great!

We stayed in Serendipity beach, the “party” beach as they say. The whole shore is full of bars with little sofas and tables on the sand! That’s the life my friend: having a US$1 draft beer on the beach, looking to the sea and the moon with your feet in the sand. I could live like that, easily. Even though Sihanoukville during high season is considered to be packed, I can assure you that it’s far far far away from being actually packed! It’s just the right amount of people – not too much and not too little. The whole place is very relaxing! It’s nothing compered to any beach resort in Spain, or other high profile beach town, for example.

The only kind of annoying thing (but also inevitable) is the girls selling fruits, women offering head/foot/full body massage, manicure, pedicure, threading or anything else they can come up with! The kids (aged 6 to 13) sell bracelets and let me tell you, they do not take a no for an answer easily! It sounds mean (but I promise it’s not) but those kids really tested my patience – which most people know is already short. The only way to make them go away was ignoring them, which was not really nice to do! If I would give US$1 to every kid in order to make them go away I would have spent all my money in the first day! But that’s only by the beach… the moment you hit the streets the tuk tuk drivers “attack” you!

Are you still reading this post? I know, it’s very long but I do have a lot to write, sorry!2014-01-06 11.31.53-1

After 6 days in Sihnoukville we took a 2 hours and 30 mins boat to the island of Koh Rong. That was the part of the trip that I was looking forward to the most! We stayed in a bungalow resort called Palm Beach, which is not really a resort… not the resort you have in mind though. Koh Rong is a little peace of heaven… I now know the meaning of the word paradise!

Koh Rong was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had! The bungalow was right on the beach and it was very basic. I’m talking about a bed with mosquito net, toilet without flush (yep, a bucket with water is the manual version for that), electricity from 6 to 11pm, cold shower and no wifi. But really, what else do you need when you are in paradise?! When the electricity goes off the dark is so dark and from there you feel that you are alone in this world!

You get inside your mosquito net and nothing, I say nothing, will make you get out of there! Your bed quickly becomes your fort! It’s like, nothing can pierce the net. Even though the first night was scary, it’s an amazing experience to be in the middle of a pretty much untouched jungle listening to the nature. There are so many different noises that the scary part is trying to figure out which animal is outside (or inside) your bungalow!

2014-01-05 16.54.07-1In our first night, there was a big gecko in our bungalow. It was like he was there to say hello and welcome as he didn’t show up in the following nights! Geckos are everywhere and in Koh Rong… I actually created an affection for them. The first night was quite tough as I was too aware of where I was and what’s going on but after that, I really fell in love with the place and felt at home! At 5am you stop hearing the “scary” noises outside as the roosters starts to cook-a-doodle-doo. At 7am the sun starts to rise and the day begins!

I really thought 4 days would be just about too much to stay in a place without electricity and oh my God, without internet but it was not! It’s amazing how quick you get used to this life style and how much you do not miss the outside world! I could easily stay a week or even more! The lack of internet brought the pleasure of reading a book again. In 3 days I devoured the thriller Gone Girl, which by the way, everybody should read!!!

Cambodia was a truly relaxing, fun, unique trip! Yes, few things weren’t planned, like having a mobile stolen, 2 flights canceled and a visit to the doctor, but these kind of unexpected things remind you that nothing is perfect! But not even these eventualities could stress me out or take me outside my holiday mood. Cambodia was by far, the most exotic country I’ve visited and it touched me in many different ways… The Kingdom of Cambodia really earned a piece of my heart!

2014-01-11 12.25.15   2014-01-03 11.08.36-2  2014-01-03 17.32.31-2  2014-01-10 13.18.09-2

You’ve got mail from the dead

A long time ago I came across a social network called Tombster. Today, for some reason, this came my way, once again. First time I saw their website and watched their promotional video I was actually in disbelieve! It could only be a very bad joke, nothing else.

For you those of you that don’t know what Tombster is, it’s a social network that allows terminally ill people to leave letters, pictures and videos to the loved ones, once they are gone. Have you watched the movie “PS I love you”? Well, this social network proposes exactly what Gerry (Gerard Butler’s character) did after passing away. He sent few letters to his beloved wife during a year!

I know that we all watched the movie and cried thinking how sweet and romantic that was. Great fictional story but bringing this idea to life is nothing but funeral! Luckily, I haven’t experienced this but it must be hard enough to live with the terminally ill person you love very much knowing that soon, she/he will leave this life and won’t be with you anymore. If dealing with this rollercoaster of emotions is not painful enough you still need to try to replicate this person’s presence after they die during important dates such as birthdays, graduations etc?

This is just mean and it doesn’t help anyone to move on! Of course we all miss our loved ones who passed away very much in special occasions and we all try to think how it would be if they could be there with you to hold your hand, give you a hug, nod their heads or just smile at you. Would give you any consolation if you receive a letter from the dead? Would that make your day any easier to deal with? Would you like to be constantly “on call”, waiting for the next letter, picture or video to arrive?

And if you were the terminally ill person, would you rather spend your last few days or months planning your legacy or spending time with the people you love? Maybe it’s just me but the whole idea of this business makes me very angry. I wonder who came up with this and actually thought that this was a great idea or the future of social networks!

Is there really a good reason to hang on to the past and change the meaning of death? Do we really need to be so sensationalist about everything? Is it really right to make money out of this funeral idea? Will anyone get something positive out of this?

When did the world change? Sometimes I think about the world we live in today and I get scared! I get scared because things seem to be a little bit out of control and I get even more scared to think about what’s about to come in few years! I feel like we are losing our values, morals, rules, sensibility… humanity.

The only assurance we have in life is that one day, we are all going to die. Everything has a beginning, a middle and an end, and so do us. The beginning is when you are born, the middle is everything you do in between and the end is when you leave this life. Your life ends the moment you die and after that, people live your legacy through what you did, what you were and what you taught the ones who crossed your life.

I’m sorry Tombster, but life ends with your spirit leaving your body and not with a letter in your inbox!

For each decision, a resignation

When I left Brazil to come to Ireland, I knew that a new world would be available to me! I would be exposed to new experiences, to new cultures, new languages and God knows that I was not prepared for that.

It’s funny that even though you are opened to changes you still don’t know what’s about to come. I thought about all the new things and experience I would learn but I never thought about the things I would have to resign. I left my parents house when I was 18 years old, so I’m very well used to being on my own and dealing with the distance between us. I never thought that this would stand in our way as my parents always made sure to teach their daughters how to be strong and independent!

I knew that now, the distance would be more than 3 thousand kilometers. It would have the whole Atlantic ocean in between us, 5 hours difference and a hell of a more expensive flight ticket to purchase. But more than missing my family, I never thought that I would miss Brazil itself! I would miss its food, its music, its culture, its weather…

I miss new years Eve in Brazil. I miss going to the beach on Saturday morning, coming back home in the evening and getting ready for a night out. I miss going to a night out and get back home only when the sun in up. I miss going to the bakery and losing myself eating all the different snacks available. I miss having friends over on Saturday afternoon for a real barbeque while we cool ourselves down by jumping in the swimming pool.

I miss having a week break from work during carnival so we could rent a house on the beach and relax. I miss having 11 official bank holidays (plus the extra days you get when the bank holiday is on a Thursday or Tuesday). I miss having a selection of tropical fruits. I miss the 5.30pm fresh and warm baguettes in the bakery. I miss looking at my bare feet.

I miss going to the stadium to watch a football match. I miss drinking a very cold beer while listening to a singer playing Popular Brazilian Music on his guitar. I miss drinking a very cold coconut water straight from the coconut. I miss eating a big yellow corn on  the cob. I miss all the freshly squeezed fruit juices available. I miss the blue sky, the birds, the sound of a mango falling off the tree.

I miss the jokes and the Brazilians’ creativity. I miss watching the soap opera at 9pm in company of my family or friends. I miss going to the beach on February 2nd to bring a flower to Yemanja. I miss a lot of little things that before were either not important or too insignificant to me. As they say, you only miss what you have once it’s gone. Without a doubt, for each choice a resignation is made… Even though I resigned all the good things I like about Brazil, I also chose to stay in Ireland because of the great things this amazing country offers me.

Ireland taught me how to love someone from the bottom of my heart, how to be humble, how to live without prejudice, how to feel safe. Ireland gave me a future, hope, love, amazing friends and so many opportunities! Ireland exposed me to its brilliant fun people, to banoffee pie, to baby guinness, to warm chocolate brownie with ice cream, to the experience of going to the park on a sunny day and just enjoy life!

Brazil is who I am and Ireland is who I became! I can’t think about leaving Ireland or moving back to Brazil, but I know that one day this decision will have to be made! So better than thinking about the good things I will have to leave behind, I better think about the good things I will get back to my life!

Go into the light

I always liked things around horoscope, angels, witchcraft, tarot and palm reading and all the others things that can “predict” the future. Even though I like this type of non-science stuff, I have to say that I don’t let this rule my life or the way I live. Being a daughter of a psychologist, I was raised learning that there is an explanation for everything!

I remember when I was around 15, me and my sisters went to a tarot reader. I was very excited as it would be my first time with a “professional”. She told me that I would have sight problems (which turned out to be true) and that I’d travel a lot! At that time, I already had my dream of living abroad and travel around the world so I couldn’t be happier with the future that was about to come!

She told me that I would travel to all the places I wanted, that I would study communication and that I would marry a man with very white skin. I’d be happy with him and would have 3 children…

I left the place very happy because she told me things I wanted to hear. But the truth is that they don’t tell you the bad things you will have to go through. They don’t tell you about the heartbreaks you will have in life, the disappointments, the betrayals… They don’t tell you that one day you will have to learn to forgive, to forget, to go through your own judgments and principles. No, astrology can’t prepare or teach you on how to deal with the bumps along the road.

Astrology gives you the far far away future but to be happily ever after you need to be racional, you need to know who you are and what you want. Even though my mom has always told me that things are logical and there is a scientific reason for everything, I wish she would also have prepared me to understand why few things have happened me, the way they did. I wish she would have told me that one day I’d doubt myself, my intelligence and my judgments.

No, no one teaches or prepares you for that. This is something that just happens and you are the only one that can deal with it! No one can help you, no one can tell you what’s right or wrong, no one can teach you how to get over it, how to forget, how to forgive. Few things are not about being writing in the stars or being logical… is about feelings.

Adam Levine sings “it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise that moves us along”. Even though I love this quote, I wonder: but what if compromise is being compromised? What if you are looking at the stars on your own? What if logical is always right? What if emotional is just momentary? What if regret will come back to torment you?

Why can no one talk about the ifs in our lives? Why is there no science for ifs? I wish they could show us the two options we have, clear and out loud so we could make a choice. This choice would then be based in logic and all the other crap would be out of the picture. Simple as that!

If is just a future that will never happen and a past that never existed. If is a present that you have to deal with everyday, battling with in your own head trying to accept and understand the choice you made. If is that heavy thing that keeps coming to your head when you are alone with yourself, making you ask all those questions again without having an answer to them. If is not a friend and is not an enemy. If is a ghost that follows you around. People say that ghosts stay between us when they have unfinished business so, it’s up to you to show this ghost the light and set yourself free!

Maybe my ghost’s light is the one that comes from the star up in the sky… the same one that told me that in the end, I will be happily ever after.


I’ve been listening to Katy Perry’s new song, Roar, a lot lately… I know, it’s silly, but I can’t deny that I like the song and more than this, I relate to it. The song is about changing yourself for someone else, about holding your feelings inside but now she had enough and you will hear her roar louder than a lion.

Who can’t relate to this? Sometimes in life, we step back and swallow words, feelings and tears in order to avoid fights and disagreements. This seems to be something sensible to do but it’s also something that hurts you deep inside. Why do we do this? Is that because we are afraid to lose what’s in front of us or is it because we don’t know who we are anymore?

Well, one lead to the other don’t you think? It’s hard to find the right balance… the balance of knowing when to shut up and when to stand up for yourself and your beliefs. I was so worried of not being perceived as a bitch that I ended up losing my voice and little by little, I also forgot who I was.

I’m usually very proud of myself. I always stood up for my beliefs and have never been afraid to speak up… It’s hard to confess that I let someone else control me. Many times I swallowed my words in name of “peace” and also when the answer to my questions was a bunch of rude and loud words. When is it ever ok to disrespect someone you love? When is it ever ok to treat who you love like shit? You get hurt, you cry, you tell yourself that this is unacceptable but you also think about the good things about this person and you then let it go.

I strongly believe that people only do to you what you allow them to do. If someone shouts at you and you don’t say anything, this person will continue to shout at you until you reach your limit and shout it back – louder! This is the moment that you get true to yourself again… The moment that you really can’t take it anymore and you roar. Your roar is so loud that even you can’t recognize yourself.

This is your moment of freedom. This is the moment that you leave the quiet/behaved person behind and fill your lungs with air! It’s so easy to be taken for granted, to get lost, quiet and obfuscated in life and in a way, we might need to go through this to understand what we are really made of. The important thing is to know when to bounce back, when to listen to that voice inside of your head and when to make the right move.

We all need time alone with ourselves to get back together to our old self and learn all over again the things we like and the things we don’t. Who we are and who we don’t want to be anymore. I got back to my old self and I’ve never been happier.

I learned to hear my voice and to stand up for myself once again. I learned that cry in silence won’t help anyone. I learned that taking care of who you love also includes taking care of yourself in the first place. I learned that you only let people control yourself once. I learned that when I roar I’m alive!

Present meets Past

I was always the kind of person who made plans, wrote diaries, made new year’s resolution lists… I have always been a daydreamer. My imagination is very creative and I can spend hours, days, elaborating a plan… no matter what this plan is.

I used to drive my mom crazy because I always wanted to try something different, all the time. I studied dance, modeling, swimming, capoeira – and other things that I don’t even remember – for probably 6 months (max!) before claiming that I didn’t like it and that was the end of it! Well, in my defense, at least I tried everything and could say “no, that’s not for me” so I could get over with and move on!

I wanted to be a veterinary (because I love dogs), a photographer, a flight attendant, a retailer, a pop star’s dancer and the list can go on and on. But after all the nonsense, I knew that I’d be a journalist. I wrote this before, in my first post. As you may also remember, I said that I wanted to master a foreign language one day – English in particular.

My aunt lives in California for almost 30 years now and my cousins were, of course, born there. I remember when they used to come to Brazil for summer holidays. It was so cool! I used love to listen to them speaking English and my aunt always used to bring us some damn cool toys and other American stuff. Because of her, I had this dream to live abroad and speak English.

I grew up in a small town, in the middle of nowhere and let’s just say that I didn’t have a very happy adolescence. Yes, it was great to grow up there whilst a child! I had a lot of freedom and contact to a different side of Brazil, which taught me a lot of things! But overall, I don’t feel much of a connection to the place.

When I was 18 year old I moved to the South of Brazil to study Journalism. I remember dreaming about being a famous Journalist. I would be that kind of Journalist that we used to talk about it in class. I would travel the world, would speak English fluently and would live an amazing life!

Well, this dream lasted 4 years! In reality, once I graduated and worked as a Journalist for 6 months, I was completely heartbroken! The true reality was tough and nothing as I had planned! In Brazil, being a Journalist it is not easy! Basically, anyone can be a Journalist, no matter if you studies for 4 years or not. A bit unfair, don’t you think? I do!

It was May of 2006 when me and two other friends had the idea of living abroad for 1 year! I always wanted this and couldn’t believe that the opportunity was there to grab! I talked to my parents and was surprised when they said “yes, we can talk about it”. Over the months my friend’s lives went to a different direction and I found myself on my own. Should I stay in Brazil and decide what to do for living or should I keep planning? You know the answer.

I still can’t get over the fact that I actually have a career and everything I’ve learned was not in my native language. When I’m writing an email or speaking on the phone at work the silly thought of “wow, I’m speaking English” still comes to my head. I don’t even know what the percentage of Portuguese I speak every day is anymore… Maybe 20%?

My life had a 360 degrees change! The 12 year old me, would never believe where she would be and what she would accomplished by the age of (almost) 30! I still like to remember the things I used to think when I was younger. In a way, I can say that I managed to keep true to myself but man, I have changed so much!

All the years I spent on my bedroom writing, listen to music, reading, crying, thinking, planning have definitely paid off! Having a boring and quite lonely adolescence made me keep the focus in what I wanted! Made me believe that I could have more.

What if we could travel to the past? I’d love to meet myself! And what if when I was 15 year old I met the 29 year old me? She would have told me that everything would be fine and that all that sad teenager years would mean nothing to me because the adult version of myself would be everything I always wanted!

Be proud of yourself Suryane! You really did it, and you are still doing it!