I have been away from my blog for a long time! I cannot believe the last time I wrote was in January… shame on me! How many times have I promised to keep writing no matter what? I know the answer too. I cannot even use the excuse, “I didn’t have time” because I did. The truth is that I just, once again, neglected my blog and didn’t stay true to myself! I won’t make the same mistake, and I can stand by this promise this time. Why? Because now I really have time. I have all the time in the world!
A month ago I made a decision that changed my life. I decided to leave my job and take a break for a while! I have never had time to spend the days with myself, taking care of me, and me only, since I became an adult. I thought about how nice it would be to turn off the alarm and wake up whenever, have time and motivation to go to the gym, spend the days with my dog, take long walks, read a book in the afternoon, watch movies, series or crap TV in the middle of the day…
I have been working for a long time, and I don’t know about you but I have always enjoyed what I did. I am a person that needs to have a reason to wake up in the mornings. There’s nothing better than do what you love. This way is easy to look forward to go to work. That feeling of being helpful, of doing something that is changing the world (even if it’s only my own world) is what drives me. The feeling of satisfaction. As they say, we should work to live and not live to work.
In 2013, I was contacted by a tech giant company for a job position that (apparently) suited my experience. To be honest, I was not looking for a job since I was happy where I was. However, the offer was tempting and indeed would be a step up in my career. The job was interesting and I had my eyes in that company too. I decided to go through the hiring process and few weeks later, the position was mine!
It was a hard decision to leave the company I was but I knew it was something I had to do. I knew it had to be a rational decision and I couldn’t hear my heart. I had to do what was best for my career. I cried a lot on my last day! It was so hard to say good-bye to the wonderful people I worked with for 2.5 years but once again, I knew I was doing what I had to do.
I started in the new company and the job was completely the opposite of what I was doing before. In fact, it was completely the opposite of what I always had done in my life. I thought “Ok, this is different. You just need to be patient and see where this goes. You can learn something new here”. And I did learn something new… for a while. Then the new became ordinary and that little voice in my head started to tell me that maybe I made a mistake.
I shook off and kept going. Now, to be very honest (which I am) I never fell in love with the job. After a month I told my manager at the time that I was not used to that very slow paced enviroonment and I was struggling to keep my days full, busy. She listened very carefully to my concern and told me to find my way. And I did. After a while I just accepted that this is how it would be, it was the nature of the job, that’s it. I had to do thing slowly, manage my time in a different way. Funny because when we talk about time management usually is because we have so much to do that you need to prioritize things in order to get everything done. In this case, I had to manage not to do all projects that had to be finished in a quarter in one month or less!
Despite all that, I did learn new things, I was working with nice people, the work environment was great but the voice in my head was still telling me that I made a mistake. After few months in the job I had to listen to that voice and accept that yes, I did make a mistake. One year in the job I told my manager that I was not motivated and that I truly believed that the job was not for me. I had so much more to offer and unfortunately, that job would never see my full potential. I hate feeling useless! Don’t get me wrong, I did do a good job in there and I always had positive feedback during annual reviews. But I did feel useless because I knew I was not showing what I am really made of. Throw me in a busy/crazy job and you will see what I can handle! I miss that. Very much!
I tried to make things better for myself but it didn’t work. It’s fair to say that for at least 8 months, I just dragged myself in there. Motivation was zero, passion was none and the days were long and sad. It didn’t take much for me to start struggling to wake up in the mornings and go to work. That tells you something right?
Apart from all this, I was still keeping professional and getting things done. The worst that it can happen is to not care anymore about anything and do a crap job! That’s not me! I would not put my reputation on the line. So I sucked and kept doing my job, even though I knew I was not supposed to be there.
Do you know when you look at yourself in the mirror and see someone that you don’t recognize? Well, I saw that stranger in my mirror a lot! Day after day, week after week, month after month. She was a sad little person that didn’t want to do anything anymore… not even her own things! It was then that I decided to ask her what the hell she was doing in my mirror! The truth is that I knew what she was doing there and most importantly, how to make her go away, for good.
I looked at my saving accounts, made few calculations, talked to people who I love and care (and who love and care about me too) and I heard what I wanted and needed to hear: “go ahead and just do it!” So then, in July 31st I came in to work and handled my notice. I had to do it. I had to be honest with myself and release me from that misery. After all, this was just a job (and one that I didn’t love), it was not my life!
I decided to quit and take a break for a while. That job changed who I am and once again, I felt lost and demotivated so I needed a break to connect to my old self again. I need to spend time with me, to figure what I want next and to take care of me and my soul. I have never had the privilege to do this and thank God (and my savings) I am in a position that I can, literately, afford this break.
A job should never change who you are or make you feel unhappy, sad and miserable. Life is way too short to live miserably! I know I did the right decision this time, for real. I am so proud of what I’ve done! I know it takes courage to do this and yes, sometimes I get scared and insecure but I guess this is part of the deal. I know I will find and get a job when I am ready and I know everything will be alright. I know this because everything, one way or another, always turns to be alright. That’s life!
So that’s why I can tell you, I will be writing a post every week from now on. This is my motivation now and will definitely help me to get in touch with the girl I am. The one who loves to write! Maybe now could also be the time to work on that book that I have talked about so many times? We shall wait and see.